Roger Goodell Suspends Self for Conduct Detrimental to League

In a stunning turn of events, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that he was suspending himself indefinitely for conduct detrimental to the league. Said Goodell, “I will not stand for anything that could sully the reputation of this fine league. I couldn’t stand on the sidelines and watch myself destroy this league from the inside any longer.”

Goodell’s announcement comes during a tenure in which he has been criticized for denying concussion science, giving Ray Rice a lenient punishment after knocking out his wife, suspending players on circumstantial evidence, and just a general mishandling of all affairs that come his way. After solidifying his power in the Tom Brady suspension this offseason, Goodell will also be the arbitrator on any future appeals of his ruling. Sources say Goodell plans to spend his suspension by spending time with his estranged nephew Simba and brother Mufasa.