Football season starts tomorrow people! In honor of this joyous occasion, I’m completing my NFL preview by giving a quick tidbit on every NFC team. Only this time, there’s a twist. Each team comes complete with an “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” meme. Trust me, you won’t want to miss this one.
San Francisco 49ers – A riveting Colin Kaepernick vs. Blaine Gabbert QB battle. No significant upgrades on either side of the ball. The ghost of Jim Har-bro still looming large. This season, rest assured you can find me frequenting San Francisco bars alongside Niners fans as we drink away our misery.
NY Giants – Man, I wish Eli Manning would go shoot fireworks with Jason Pierre Paul. 13 years and I’m still not ready to forgive Eli and his slight to San Diego. He looks like a 12 year old Gap Kids model that never grew up. He looks like a gender neutral lesbian. I could continue with this all day…Unfortunately, the NFC East is so pathetic this year the Giants actually have a pretty good shot at winning it.
Los Angeles Rams – Highlights from Hard Knocks this year have been: 1. The swimming pool scene 2. Seeing how fat Maurice Jones Drew has gotten (and laughing at the Twitter comments afterwards) 3. The moving practice pad. Other than that, this team is a pretty boring choice for the show. Todd Gurley is a monster and will compete for the MVP this year, and Case Keenum will lose his QB job to Jared Goff after 4-6 games. I will be avoiding Rams games on TV like Brazilian mosquitos this year.
Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer, I can’t figure you out bruh. First he’s good, then he’s bad, then good, then great, and finally bad again. I mean what the fuck?! This defense and team are too good to miss out on a deep playoff run this year. We’ll see which Carson shows up.
Seattle Seahawks – So much for that unstoppable Russell Wilson – Jimmy Graham combo. Wilson to Doug Baldwin turned out to be a much more effective tandem last year. Marshawn Lynch finally hung up his skittles for good, though Thomas Rawls has a lot of upside as his replacement. The defense is still above average, but their dominance seems to be slipping away. I could see this team missing out on the playoffs, but I just don’t see who in the NFC could take their spot. Something is just a little off about these guys…
Atlanta Falcons – There may never have existed a more median-level quarterback than Matt Ryan. He defines what it is to be good and bad at the same time. The only way you’ll care about the Falcons this year is if Julio Jones or Devonta Freeman are on your fantasy team. Or if you got broads in Atlanta.
New Orleans Saints – New Orleans better hope that flood washed away the stink of last years’ team. The mystique of Sean Peyton as an elite coach has faded ever since he was suspended a few years back. Drew Brees claims he can play past 40, yet is starting to show his age a bit. And that defense is about as appealing as this years’ presidential election.
Philadelphia Eagles – Chip Kelly’s big gut has finally left the building, and the Eagles have high hopes for number 2 overall pick Carson Wentz. That’s about all the solace Eagles fans can take in this team. It’s not always sunny in Philadelphia.
Washington Redskins – Haven’t we played this story out before? Washington overpays a star cornerback free agent, who always seems to care more about himself than the team. I’m fairly sure most Madden players manage their franchises with more aptitude than Dan Snyder. I see this team underperforming expectations, as Kirk Cousins once again does his best Ryan Fitzpatrick impression.
Carolina Panthers – Who could have called that Josh Norman situation at the end of last year? Time will tell how much that will impact the defense, but the offense should be just fine. Cam Newton is going to come out focused and hungry after letting the title slip away. They’ll get Kelvin Benjamin back from injury and should be among the favorites to win it all this year.
Green Bay Packers – Jordy Nelson is back, Eddie Lacy looks (slightly) less fat, and this team features much of the same cast that lost a close divisional playoff game last year to the Cardinals. In the end, not much else matters when you have Aaron Rodgers.
Detroit Lions – I have Detroit as one of the worst teams in football this year. Their defense has been subpar since Suh left, Matt Stafford is Jay Cutler 2.0, and Megatron retired this offseason. Any shot they had of competing for a Super Bowl in the next few years has gone totally out the window. They need to re-evaluate their future.
Chicago Bears – Speaking of old whipping-boy Jay Cutler, he’s still sitting pretty making $18 million a year. I think it says in his contract somewhere that he has to throw an interception for ever million he makes. Since I’ve beat this horse to death too many times, I’ll say they have made some major investments on upgrading the offensive line, and have a few decent weapons on offense. This team has 7 wins written all over it.
Minnesota Vikings – I can’t begin to fathom what the Vikings were thinking in trading for Sam Bradford recently. He’s never done anything to show he’s a worthy QB in this league, yet teams continue to surrender first round picks for him. He was one of the worst QB’s in all of football last year, and will undoubtedly underperform once again this year. I have no faith in this team whatsoever.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – A special shoutout to Doug Martin, who defied all expectations last year and ran for over 1,400 yards. This team is starting to build a core around Martin, Mike Evans, and an improving Jameis Winston. I think they’ll surprise some teams this year, but aren’t quite ready to make a jump to the playoffs.
Dallas Cowboys – Poor, poor Tony Romo. He just never seems to catch a break. Dak Prescott is getting way too much love from the media right now, but could pull a Tebow and make this team just decent enough to get the team back to Romo. I think a playoff run is a stretch, but an offense featuring Ezekiel Elliot and Dez Bryant is going to be entertaining no matter who is playing quarterback.
NFC EAST – New York Giants
NFC South – Carolina Panthers
NFC West – Arizona Cardinals
NFC North – Green Bay Packers
Wildcards – Seattle Seahawks, Washington Redskins (I guess?)